Game 3: Chick Hearn - Mustard Chicken Breasts
“Fast, but good.”
That’s how Chick Hearn described the mustard chicken breast recipe he and his wife Marge contributed to the World Champion Los Angeles Lakers Are Cookin’ Family Cookbook. It’s also an apt description for the Lakers’ legendary play-by-play announcer, though that sells him short. He wasn’t fast, but good. He was quick, but great.
Chick is remembered fondly by Lakers fans for a multitude of reasons, but it’s his rapid fire play-by-play that sticks with me whenever I fall into a YouTube wormhole of any Lakers game played between 1960 - 2002. During his almost ceaseless tenure, Lakers games were simulcast on radio and TV, meaning that Chick described every pass, every cut, every collision like he was describing a fireworks factory explosion to a blind man. Look at how fast the Lakers played in this clip, a game where they set a 1st quarter record by outscoring the lowly Sacramento Kings 40-4. Contrary to what you might think, he created this style of play-by-calling well before the Showtime Lakers sped up the game.
Chick barely breathed in between plays. And his color commentators over the years could barely get in a word. Not that they cared. It was an honor just to sit next to and listen to him, the man who invented phrases like slam dunk, alley oop, air ball, finger roll, garbage time, ticky tack foul, give and go, dribble drive, and pretty much every basketball expression you might’ve thought was invented when Dr. James Naismith put up the peach basket. That’s one of the key differences between Chick and the other omnipresent L.A. sports commentator, Vin Scully. It was as if Vin had invented home run, southpaw, and double play to go along with 68 flawless years of service.
Like Vin, Chick was known for his longevity. 42 seasons, including 3,336 consecutive games that were spoiled on one end by flight-grounding weather and surgery for a blocked heart valve on the other. But another trait separating them was their use of wit. Vin was -- and still is in his once-a-year-or-so appearances since his retirement -- a Jimmy Stewart type. Vin never used his humor as a cudgel. He would tell stories about ice skating against Jackie Robinson, regale listeners with a history of beards from Leviticus to Justin Turner, and spend upwards of two minutes creating an imaginary monologue from the mind of a baby falling asleep in the stands. Vin, a grandfatherly figure to generations of Angelenos and literal grandfather to sixteen, loved it when his cameraman found a baby Dodger fan in the 8th inning of a blowout.
The YouTube search term “Vin + Scully + Babies” is adorable. There’s even more at the “official” Instagram account @VinScully. I put official in quotes because the account — which stopped posting in 2017 — was clearly set up by a fan and later taken over by Vin’s family. A huge chunk of the uploads are phone recordings of the TV. But these recordings, along with 70 years worth of photos, make for an essential archive of LA history.
I’ve listened to enough Stu Lantz to do an OK Jack in the Box commercial read.
Now Chick, who was as witty as Jerry Buss was horny, he used his gift of gab to talk shit. Players, of course, got the worst of it. "The mustard came off the hot dog!" when a show-boater lost the handle. “Portland can put the champagne away and get out the bottled water, 'cause that's all they're gonna drink on their way home!” he said after Portland blew the 2000 Western Conference Finals. “Lucas fakes and puts James Worthy deep in the popcorn machine. He’s covered with salt!” If you were listening on the radio, you might actually think the 6’9” James Worthy was juked so hard, he flew into a courtside popcorn vendor. Sometimes he’d even make fun of the love of his life -- “That shot was so easy, even Marge could’ve made it!” -- just to clown on some poor bench warmer. There wasn’t any real ire behind any of these insults. He was just a shittalker who got lucky enough to be paid for it. If you want to see Chick Hearn actually get pissed off at someone, check out this clip of him MC’ing a 10th anniversary celebration of the 1985 Lakers. That tardy senior vice president at Tiffany who left Chick out to dry is still flop sweating from being admonished on The Forum’s center court.
More than anything, Chick loved using food to paint his auditory masterpieces (He’s covered in salt?!). And his Mona Lisa was his signature game-ending call for when the Lakers had put away their opponent for good. “The game's in the refrigerator, the door's closed, the light's out, the eggs are cooling, the butter's getting hard AND THE JELL-OOOOOOOOS JIGGLING!” What does it mean? I’m still not sure. When you put food in the fridge, it’s to save it for later. The opposite of finality. Some have said it’s his version of “the game is on ice” but if that’s the case, why not the freezer? I’d love to ask him, but Chick’s been dead for 17 years. He recovered from his heart surgery and called the Lakers 2002 championship, only to then fall at his home later that summer and die of a severe head injury.
Marge would later join him in eternal rest in 2016 at the age of 98.
You can watch much of Chick Hearn’s star-studded memorial service on YouTube. His coffin lies in the middle of church as Laker legends comes up to the podium to give their somber reflections and to lighten the mood with their favorite Chick moments. For once, the voice of the Lakers is silent. But as his friends tiptoe around the line that is on everybody’s mind, I can hear the ghost of Chick Hearn shouting from inside his coffin, “Oh for crying out loud… will someone say that the goddamn game’s finally in the refrigerator for Ol’ Chick?!”
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Mustard Chicken Breasts
2 skinless chicken breasts
Mustard
Lemon juice
Worcestershire sauce
Chopped Parsley
Paint breasts with mustard, lemon juice, and a touch of Worcestershire Sauce. Let stand for ten minutes. Place on grill or bar-b-que for 6 minutes per side. Sprinkle with parsley and serve.
Chick’s recipe is not just fast, it’s simple. Too simple, without any measurements at all, so I mixed lemon juice, mustard, and Worcestershire sauce until it tasted palatable and let the chicken rest for a half hour. I was a little nervous about this recipe, but the final result wasn’t bad.
Unlike Chick, I seasoned it with salt and pepper beforehand because I like chicken to have some kind of taste, but even that combined with the mustard marinade wasn’t enough to stop me from breaking out the Crystal hot sauce. I skipped the parsley because parsley is the poor man’s cilantro and I wouldn’t want to sprinkle either of them on top of dry meat. I’m talking about the dry skin, of course. My chicken is always juicy. As an entree, this doesn’t make for the best meal. But the leftover chicken went great in my next day’s salad.
Fun Chick Hearn fact: He got his nickname when one of his semi pro basketball teammates put a dead chicken in his locker/shoe box (the story differs). Gross!
