Game 16: Jack Nicholson - Soft Scrambled Eggs

When I was a young and impressionable child, nobody hoisted me in front of a Lakers game to jumpstart my loyalty to the purple and gold. Instead, my obsession was sparked inside an LAUSD classroom. In 2nd grade, my teacher was Ms. Tannihill, a towering 6’2” woman who impressed me and the other boys by her ability to palm a basketball. But it also wasn’t she who introduced me to the Lakers. One day in the corner of her classroom, I sat at our lone computer with my friend Dylan, the best athlete for all six years at Betty Plasencia Elementary School. He typed in NICK VAN EXEL and there he was: Nick Van Exel, point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. I had never seen a yellow so bright, a purple so regal. He stood on a smooth, shiny court that looked nothing like our gravel playground in Echo Park where a chain link fest separated us from the 101. I was hooked. And I had no idea he was about to type KOBE BRYANT and SHAQ.

Van Exel didn’t last long on the Lakers. Neither did that court, replaced two years later by Staples Center. And eventually Kobe, the man who played more games as a Laker than anybody else, hung up his jersey too. In my years of rooting for this team, I’ve seen players, arenas, coaches, announcers, uniforms, and Jerry Buss’ children come and go. But the one constant in my Lakers’ fandom is Jack. There’s no need to say his last name. Even if you’ve never watched a Lakers game, you know which Jack I’m talking about. While his perennial presence at courtside has faded a bit this decade, partly due to age and partly, I’m guessing, to him not wanting to spend his final years watching a 17-65 team, his appearance during the Clippers-Lakers season opener reiterated his status as the team’s #1 fan. Like a boulder resting for centuries in the middle of a roaring river, he remains steadfast among the surge.

But Jack isn’t the only fan recognizable to Lakers viewers. There’s the celebrity fans, of course, that get a special shoutout by the ESPN/ABC broadcast during each televised game. But the fans I want to focus on are the ones you don’t know by name. Two of them sit on opposite sides of Jack and two of them sit just behind the announcers table. One is a producer with a huge influence on 20th century music and film, one is the heiress to a multibillion oil fortune, and two are just a couple of guys who became best friends after decades of sitting next to each other.

These are their stories. Dun dun.

Lou Adler

I need to apologize to Lou Adler. For years, I’ve told people that the slickly-dressed old man to Jack’s right was “just” the producer of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and the guy who discovered Cheech and Chong. Though those two accomplishments are enough to justify his star on the Walk of Fame on the prime real estate of 6900 Hollywood Blvd. But Adler is responsible for even more iconic pieces of 20th century pop culture thanks to his incredible ability to spot which youth trends were mere fads and which ones were indicators of the future. Surfers, folkies, stoners, rock festivals, LGBTQ camp, and the Sunset Strip. Adler amplified these subcultures and spread them across the country. And it made him very rich.

Adler was born in 1933 to a poor Jewish family in Chicago who soon moved to Boyle Heights. In his 20s, Adler managed the rock duo Jan & Dean, before transitioning to songwriting as a co-writer of Sam Cooke’s “(What A) Wonderful World” (not to be confused with the Louis Armstong song). But he got his first taste of blockbuster success when he signed The Mamas & The Papas while serving as president of Dunhill Records. Adler produced their iconic hit “California Dreamin’” in 1965 and then sold his company to ABC two years later.

With a newly flush bank account, Adler produced the legendary Monterey Pop Festival and founded a new company, Ode Records. One of his first acts was signing Carole King just as she began her solo career. Adler produced her hit album Tapestry, won a couple Grammys for Record and Album of the Year, and then signed a young counterculture comedy duo by the name of Cheech and Chong. Their records were an immediate hit, leading Adler to invest some of his music producing funds into movie producing. After seeing a performance of The Rocky Horror Picture Show in England, he bought the rights to put on an L.A. version. Then he got the bright idea to produce a film version. I haven’t looked at Adler’s books, but I have a feeling the key source of his wealth is producing a movie that opened in 1975 and continues to screen every week in America nearly 50 years later without any sign of ever stopping.

And that’s not all! Adler also directed Cheech & Chong’s classic film debut Up In Smoke. But even more impressively, he’s made his mark on the Hollywood landscape by co-founding two of Sunset Blvd’s most iconic venues: The Rainbow Bar and Grill and The Roxy, the latter of which he still owns and operates with his son, Nic. Adler even contributed to pop culture in the 21st century, when his other son Cisco formed Shwayze. You remember Shwayze, right? Even if you don’t, let’s end on Shwayze.

Gary Martin Zelman

“Lakers! Lllllllllllllakers!”

Usually when you draw out the first letter in Lakers, it’s to mimic public address announcer Lawrence Tanter’s sleepy declaration after a Laker Girls performance. But thanks to the invention of gifs by Steve Wilhite in 1987, it’s now more commonly used as a reference to this Lakers fan:

That’s Gary Martin Zelman AKA Sign Guy. Zelman is a flamboyant Lakers fan who’s had a pair of season tickets since the early days of Staples Center. Zelman is the CEO of an eyewear company and a native New Yorker who fell in love with the Lakers when he moved here in the early ‘90s. While best known to national audiences for that gif, Zelman is better known to local Lakers fans for the professional quality signs he brings to each game. After Kobe’s 81 point game in 2006, Zelman brought a couple signs reading KO and BE and hasn’t stopped since.

He’s also a Trump supporter. And a really dumb one. He shared a Facebook meme calling out those who make fun of women, the disabled, rape victims, and military veterans without realizing who it also applied to. What a moron!

Richard J. Simmons

Also known as Goatee Guy, Simmons and his black hole of a goatee have been a welcoming sight for NBA fans for decades whenever they throw it to the TV announcers. Simmons, who sits near Zelman, has had his tickets since the Showtime days but didn’t become close friends with Sign Guy until Staples Center opened. Hailing from Massachusetts, Simmons attended law school at UC Berkeley before making his permanent residence in Los Angeles. Simmons is far less boisterous than his buddy Zelman, but he has the wackier claim to fame: He was one of the dozens of people, along with eventual winner Arnold Schwarzenegger, who ran in California’s 2003 gubernatorial election after the recall of Governor Gray Davis!

Unfortunately, Zelman is a partner in a law firm that represents corporations against claims of wage theft, unfair termination, discrimination and a litany of other shady shit that his clients are accused of doing. Forget about meeting your heroes; don’t ever do a cursory Google search on the random rich dudes who make you smile when a basketball game returns for the 3rd quarter!

Yori Saneyoshi

Jack owns a pair of courtside seats. In recent years, the seat to his left is usually occupied by his son, Ray. The pair of seats to Ray’s left were owned by CAA co-founder Michael Ovitz for years. It’s unclear whether he still owns them or sold them to another agent, but they’re still frequently given to celebrity clients. However, it’s the two seats to Ovitz’s left that have caused one of the biggest mysteries in Lakers lore: Who is the elderly, stoic Asian woman sitting courtside?

The quick answer is Yori Saneyoshi, daughter to the late Japanese oil baron Masao Saneyoshi. At least, that’s what most amateur sleuths have landed on. I haven’t been able to confirm this story, but it makes more sense than sloppy Reddit threads and racist TMZ segments from 2011.

I might’ve fudged the truth in my opening paragraphs. Yori has been as big a constant in my lifetime of Lakers fandom as Jack, but for very different reasons. While Jack regularly got into it with referees and opposing players, taking on the role of unofficial mascot to rile up the often lethargic Lakers home crowd, Yori has never showed a single ounce of emotion. She sits down, she watches the game, and then she leaves. I’ve watched hundreds of Lakers games and have never seen her smile, clap, or cheer. Not once. The only time I’ve seen Yori drop her poker face is in these weird videos from PopCandiesTV (and there’s a lot of them!) showing her drive up to Staples Center with her longtime partner, Kay Harrington.

Yes, her lack of emotion is super weird. But man, do I love commitment to a bit.

---------------------------------

Soft Scrambled Eggs

6 eggs

⅓ cup grated raw milk sharp cheddar cheese

Butter

½ teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

Beat eggs, mix in cheese and pepper. Cook in skillet, with butter, over a medium heat, stirring constantly, until softly set (or to set preference). Serve immediately (as eggs will continue to set).

After my failed attempt at making Pat Riley’s chocolate dessert roll, Jack’s scrambled eggs were a sight for sore egos. When you undertake a project of this magnitude, you look forward to the simple scrambled eggs and sangria that make up for the hours spent baking cakes.

And these were about as simple as you can get. You mix eggs, cheese, and red pepper flakes and then cook it. I thought about all the women who ate these half-hearted eggs by Jack over the years. Unknown ingénues and legends like Angelica Huston alike were served up these scrambled eggs by a hungover Jack who forgot he told his housekeeper to take the day off. They probably took a couple bites and then asked Jack to take them out to an actual restaurant for a nice breakfast because he’s Jack fucking Nicholson.

I would’ve said the same thing. These eggs sucked, Jack.