Game 34: Jo Skibby - Pecan Tassies

You probably know them as mop boys. Whenever an NBA player hits the court, they’re the polo-clad kids who rush like sweat-hungry scavengers to clean the floor of perspiration and blood. But these team attendants do so much more than making the playing surface safe for sharp cuts and runs. These unsung, poorly paid, and often mistreated employees on the bottom of the NBA arena hierarchy are essentially the production assistants of basketball. It’s grunt work, the pay is shit, but you’re on the ground level. You’re where the magic happens. You’re also where the Magic throw sweaty towels at your feet, even though they clearly saw your outstretched hands.

This video, produced by the Detroit Pistons, paints a rosy, acoustic guitar-tinted picture of life as a team attendant, calling them the “lifeblood” of the team. And while that’s true, since overlooked work by those at the bottom are essential to any organization, according to two separate AMAs on reddit.com, one from six years ago and one from 2019, the reality is a lot more soul-sucking. And just like working as a PA, it’s really up to the A-list talent who set the tone for the soul suckery. It’s an open Hollywood “secret” that Ellen DeGeneres treats her employees like shit, so it’s pretty interesting to find out which players are dicks (Kevin Garnett, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Jose Calderon) and which ones are nice dudes (Chris “Birdman” Andersen, Reggie Jackson). Also, apparently legendary NBA ref curmudgeon Joey Crawford treats people right and the only dick ref they encountered was former NBA player-turned-referee Haywoode Workman. I knew something was up with that guy. What kind of person would go from playing to refereeing?

But what exactly does a team attendant do besides mopping the floor? Before a game, it’s their job to set up locker rooms (for players and referees), fold towels, make gallons upon gallons of Gatorade, set up tables, and basically make sure the players, coaches, and refs have everything they need. Then comes shootaround. It’s the team attendants who grab the rebounds during shootaround, a task that’s much harder than you’d think since there’s a dozen players heaving shots non-stop for 15 minutes. Then it’s game time, where in addition to mop duty, they’re in charge of handling towels and warm-up clothes. Near the end of the game, the attendants get ice baths ready for the players and refs. Some of the guys are even designated “shower guys” whose job it is to provide players with lotions, soaps, and whatever other requests come bellowing out of the shower. With these responsibilities and the part-time minimum wage pay, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the majority of team attendants are high school or college students working their first job. 

But like PAs, you leave with a treasure trove worth of stories whether you continue in the industry or go off to apply these skills to something else. I highly recommend reading the entirety of the now-anonymous (he deleted his account) 2019 poster’s AMA. Besides his equal wins of stealing discarded game-worn socks and dating a cheerleader, this dude will be forever entertaining his buddies and random bar strangers with his on-court and in-the-locker-room tales of 2014-2017 NBA. 

There’s the time he walked in on Greg Popovich watching game tape at 11pm in his underwear. Or the time he had to cover up Melo’s Fiji bottles with duct tape so that his million dollar water sponsorship deal didn’t go down the drain. Once, he picked up a game plan that Giannis Antetokounmpo threw out that simply said “DUNK EVERYTHING” in broken handwriting. Another time, he delivered a 12 pack of Coors to a certain current Lakers assistant coach who promptly drank them all after the game like it was still 1982. And then there was the time during rebounds that Steph Curry crossed him over so hard that he suffered a high ankle sprain… and a $100 tip as an apology.

That’s the fun part about being the lowly team attendant or production assistant. You see EVERYTHING. Though if you want to hear my stories, you’ll have to buy me a beer. I’m not dumb enough to spill it on Reddit. 

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Pecan Tassies

Pastry:

½ cup margarine or butter, softened

3 ounce packaging cream cheese, softened

1 cup flour

Filling:

1 egg 

1 table spoon margarine

Dash of salt

¾ cup brown sugar

1 teaspoon vanilla

⅔ cup coarsely broken pecans

1 ½ inch muffin cups

Pastry: Blend margarine and cream cheese with mixer. Stir in the flour. Chill dough slightly, about 1 hour. Shape into 1-inch balls. Place in 1 ½ inch muffin cups. Using flour on fingers to prevent sticking, press dough against bottoms and sides of cups.

Filling: Beat together all ingredients except pecans, just until smooth. Divide ½ of the pecans among pastry-lined cups. Add pecan filling and top with remaining pecans. Bake in slow oven, 325 degrees for 25 minutes or until filling is set.

This recipe from Jo Skibby, a “Super Laker Fan” who notes that her son Brian is a team attendant, was made for a White Elephant party alongside last week’s Jerry West’s Spicy Egg Nog and Sam Nassi’s Anka’s Coffee Cake that will accompany this Friday’s entry.

I reached out to Brian Skibby, now a lawyer with his own firm in Orange County, but he didn’t respond. According to his Twitter, he was too busy tweeting in support of Donald Trump and Deadpool 2. Seems like a cool grown adult man. We’re all the lesser for not hearing his stories.

These tassies tasted great, but structurally were a little bit of a mess. I bought a package of 1 ½ inch muffin cups (18x cups total) but the dough was only enough for 12. After 25 minutes, the filling was still far too mushy, so I put it back in for another 15. Then another 10. Then another… honestly, I lost count. I must’ve had it in the oven for at least an hour until they were set. My guests seemed to like them, as all but two were left over by the end of the night. But if you’re looking for an easy recipe to make, don’t let the instructions fool you. This is more trouble than it’s worth. Just like hiring a certain merc with a mouth…